I’ve been asked several times this week about my story, about why I’ve given up alcohol, about my ‘breaking point’ and about how I gave up.
I’ve touched on my story in some of my earlier blogs .. I’ve always had ‘an addictive personality’. This actually translates into ‘greedy piggy with no off switch’. Like many, I started experimenting with alcohol in my mid teens .. I distinctly remember downing awfulness like White Lightening cider and blue 20/20 and I also distinctly remember being sick the next day. One of my first memories of getting horribly drunk was about aged 16, at a house party and being sick into a bush from a balcony. And I’d had spaghetti for dinner.
In fact, I was nearly always sick the next day. To the extent that it became normalised. Go out, get drunk, come home, pass out. Next day, sick. Then we started drinking before we went out to ‘save pennies’. However, as the tolerance grew, I don’t think we saved any money, we just drank more. And more.
And basically that’s how I spent the next 20 years. In a vicious, self harming scenario of eat, drink, sick, repeat. Like some kind of slow, torturous death.
Alongside this self abuse, I was also getting myself into stupid relationships with men who were in even worse situations than me. They say you attract what you are and from where I am now, I can so see this is true.
The last person I was seeing was a totally damaged soul. I guess you could argue that I was too. And between us, we created more damage than either of us needed or could cope with. And it was this relationship that finally caused me to hit rock bottom. And ‘they’ say that until you hit rock bottom, you can’t start climbing back up. I knew that, for as long as I was drinking, he would continue to be a part of my life. And that had to stop.
So, in autumn last year, I decided I was going to give up alcohol for 2017. The plan was to stop drinking at midnight on 31 December 2016 and restart again on 1 January 2018. I would write a blog as an online diary, to record the highs and lows of an alcohol free life. If I’m honest, I expected far more lows than there has been and kind of imagined it would be a bit of a whinge fest! Luckily it couldn’t be further from this and instead, is one of the best decisions I ever made.
Then, out of the blue I got the opportunity to change my job after 11 years in the same company. Whilst it was the best thing to happen to me, I think subconsciously it stressed me out .. in addition, the ex was still playing me like a pawn in his game and then the flu literally floored me.
As you can see from my ‘before’ photo, I was sad, tired and ill. Drained by life. And so my year started early on 27 November 2016 at approximately 2am. My last drink, a large vodka, was ceremoniously poured down the sink before bed. And that was it. No more.
People ask whether I’m tempted to drink. The simple answer is no. I have too many embarrassing memories to think of that put me off ever picking up a drink again. Do I miss my old life? Of course I do but slowly, the craziness is becoming a distant memory. I do not want to be sad anymore, a pawn in someone else’s awful life. I want to be the Queen in my own life, happy and in control, and you know what, I think I’m well and truly on my way there 🙋🏻🐟
#day111
I like you have an addictive personality. And like you I experimented with alcohol at 16. For the rest of my teen age years and if I’m honest until I was thirty. HOWEVER I developed an another addiction “food” I was addicted to feeling in control over the intake of food …..or no food !!! I developed a severe eating disorder ( hospital ) twelve years ago I got addicted to alcohol and I am now according to doctors an alcoholic. I am now ( in my words ) in recovery from alcohol I love ❤️ reading your stories and would love to send you my life story …..I am well and I have not had alcohol for over three years……one day at a time
Thank you for your comment! Well done in your recovery .. you can email me at dawn@soberfish.co.uk with your story .. I can post anonymously if you like .. or just read .. I’m so interested in hearing people’s stories! Thank you for following xx
Wow what an incredible achievement good for you xxx And to write it publicly is even more amazing xxx I gave up afierce a health scare on Aug 6th 17 & never looked back in feel & look great having lost 3.5 stone & gained confidence in never knew existed after ruining my mother’s 80th birthday celebrations I wish she could see me now sadly she died may 10th 2015!!! If my story could help just one person then it makes my journey more worthwhile xxx
Thank you! Your mum can see you and would be very proud .. I totally agree that if my story helps at least one person, it’s worth it! Thank you for following and for your encouragement xx
Fabulous. Sounds so like my own story. 6 months off the booze now and there’s no way I’m going beck!! Keep going xx
I was dying, in my body and more importantly in my soul !
Wow, what an amazing journey . Sounds like you have started valuing your ‘amazingness”. Thanks for sharing it – your a true inspiration . You’ve taken back your power Xx
Awesome done!! Well done!!!
Ahhh Dawn this is lovely to read, well done you! So pleased you feel so much better. Cheers to being happy xxx
Hi just listening to you on recovery elevator you were brilliant no mention of AA really related to you as I’m capable of no drink all week ,then I drink my weight in red wine Friday to Sunday night!monday morning hangover ,what the hell was I doing .been sober on and of for years but just couldn’t do the weekends ! Anyway just done two weeks sober today something is different this time ,.power to you and everyone who’s giving it a go and thank and good luck ❤️
It’s soooo helpful to read stories like yours. I get so much identification.
Interestingly, my rock bottom was not a hard, stony one – and waiting for a ‘rock bottom’ was for me, torture ! I had heard it said so often that you need this to stop. However, mine was more of a ‘enough. I’m done. Thanks’ having tried for 8 years to stop.
Bizarrely my obsession with alcohol – white wine was my drug of choice – was somehow controllable. This fact depressed me! It denied me desperation. I wanted desperation!
If I couldn’t drink, for whatever reason, I wouldn’t. But it was hell!
Due to my son (a child then) having equal time between me and my ex-hubby I had approx 3 nights/week when I was alone. THEN the drinking would happen. Hard!
When my son went off to Uni I had no buffer whatsoever and after 2 more years of drinking every single night, I knew had to stop. It was the joining of a drama group that was to save me. I immediately knew I had to give a nod to something more than alcohol …. I had hundreds of lines to learn for a play. That was it. 12/07/2014 and my life is immeasurably infinitely better today. Thank you for your writings and for CSAF – it’s amazing ! And I hope to meet you in Bournemouth 🙂