Two years ago, I was a very different person to the one I am today. Back then, I was angry, sad, lost but most of all I was addicted.
I started experimenting with drugs at the age of 13, mostly smoking pot and drinking alcohol until someone gave me a Percocet (combination pain killer). I can still remember the warmness that came over my body as the surge of dopamine flooded my brain. I was hooked. I was in love.
By the time I was 26, full blown addiction taken its hold. My drug of choice was any kind of opiate pill I could get hold of. By day, I was a drug addict; by night, a mum and a wife. I have 2 sons who are 2 years apart in age. Eventually, both of them watched me kick addiction’s ass!!
At first, I did a very good job at hiding my abuse but as the disease progressed, it was harder to conceal. My behaviour clearly began to show something wasn’t right. My husband became suspicious as I fell deeper and deeper into addiction until one night, he finally found my stash. He confronted me and at that very moment, it hit me. I was addicted. I cried and promised I would get help and quit, which I did. I even went back to school to get my diploma and a certification in healthcare. I remained sober for 4 months but sadly gave in and started the cycle all over again.
This time, it was like an out of body experience as I watched my life fall apart from the outside. I had tasted what a sober life could be like so when I fell back into addiction, it was almost surreal. One morning, as I did a line of drugs from the bathroom counter whilst getting ready for school, I took a long hard look at myself. I was beginning to get blemishes, my nose was red and my eyes were starting to turn dark again. I literally screamed out ‘FUCK THIS’ and at that moment, I decided that I DID NOT WANT this shitty existence any longer!!
I knew quitting was going to be sick mentally and physically so I planned to do it on my last day of class before the summer break started on 27 June 2016.
At 6pm on 27 June 2016, I put the final drug into my body. My husband still had no idea I’d relapsed and thought I was 6 months sober. After 3 days of withdrawal and pretending I had the flu, I finally told him the truth. I had contemplated not telling him, to pretend that the 3 months of active use hadn’t happened but then a saying often used in rehabs and lCA meetings came into my mind ‘Secrets keep you sick’. I was done with being sick and so I picked him up from work and everything just spilled out.
This time I wasn’t messing around. My kids needed a sober mom and I needed to live so I started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings daily. I listened to the speakers each night praying that one day I could find the kind of new found love for life they had. In the rooms, the word ‘God’ was used A LOT. It was hard for me as I was raised catholic and my vision of God was a man sitting on a throne, choosing who was worthy of his love. I struggled immensely until one day it hit me that God was whatever I believed it was. To me, God was a universal life force and not some judgey dude picking and choosing who was worthy or not. When I was able to accept that something bigger than me was out there, I was finally able to start my healing journey.
I spent the summer going to meetings every night and found myself a sponsor who helped me dig deep and forgive others and more importantly, myself. I made amends with everything in my life and for the first time, I felt inner peace. I had switched my game from victim to warrior. I began to meditate and do mindful breathing practices. At first, I found it difficult but the more I tried, the easier it became. I wrote gratitude lists starting with maybe one or two things I was grateful for that day. I still write those lists which have now snowballed into thousands of things I could say that I’m grateful for today!! I changed my diet from junk and processed foods to more whole foods which made me feel better physically and mentally. I even quit smoking cigarettes!!
I wish I could say that it was a struggle for me to stay sober but it wasn’t. I was finally done with ruining my body, my life and my family. Don’t get me wrong, not every day is easy but I make a conscious choice to wake up and take the day for what it is. I meditate as often as possible whether that be a guided meditation, a soak in a nice salt bath or five minutes deep breathing in my bedroom. I’ve learned how to let go, how to be compassionate, how to be understanding and most of all, that service to others fills the empty void I had. I graduated high school and obtained my diploma with honours as well as my health care program with an average of 93%.
I’ve started my career and am beginning to branch out and find out what I really love. I am no longer afraid to take risks and I am no longer afraid to be me. The mask that I wore for 30 years has finally fallen off. I love that my kids got to witness their mom fall so hard but also have the courage to stand up and fight. I taught them that you can overcome anything; all it takes is courage. But most of all, I now have this amazing experience to share with the world and hope it makes at least one person realize how much potential we all hold within ❤️
Written by Sarah, The Healing Junkie, Edited by Sober Fish 2018
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