The tears are trapped behind ego and pride,
Deep down I know there's nothing special to hide,
I won't show my heart - not in millions of years,
I'll hold it all in and pretend I've no fears.
A year now has passed without drugs or the drink,
I quit it all then while on death-door's brink,
I could not imagine a day without booze,
But when 'drink' stopped giving it was time to choose.
I knelt on the tiles of that hospital loo,
I begged and I cried to the 'Maker'? Who knew?
I asked for the mental obsession to lift,
Not realizing then how my whole life would shift.
I wanted to die if it meant I must fight
Every day against cravings with all of my might,
That's no way to live on a planet so tough,
So I chose to not die and I worked with the staff.
Soon after I found a book 'Naked Mind'
Which shifted my thinking - It seems God was kind.
My begging was answered and work just begun,
The first months were joyous like rays from Spring's sun.
Month 6 was intense and I hit a brick wall,
I started to question my place in it all,
I turned to past habits but did not pick up,
And onward I ventured - no poison in my cup.
I know you expect to read on with joy,
But I ask you reel in your assumptions. Be coy.
Being sober has opened new troubles for me,
Depression, anxiety...Who am I? To name three.
I should be at work as I sit here today,
My job remains toxic on this mid autumn day,
I remember the choices the alcohol made,
Like a magnet to poison, booze guided my fate.
I deal with real problems at work, I see people dying,
I see the abused, the addicted crying,
They have no idea the struggles I own,
I hide it so well but inside my child groans.
Reversing decisions I made in the past,
It's like sailing the seas without wind nor a mast,
At first it is frightening and slow to commence,
But change is less painful than to sit on pain's fence.
Today I feel stuck at a bit of a bend,
Life in HD and vanilla feels bland,
And drinking the poison will make it all worse,
So what do I do if I don't choose the hearse.
No meaning, no purpose, no real sense of self,
No reason to wake and feel ready for the 'shelf'
No leverage to fight the tragedies of life,
Human malevolence rampant, as is much strife.
Maybe those tears are a key to begin?
And praying to God or my fallen kin?
These un-chartered waters cause grief to my soul,
Yet drinking, I know, shall not fill that hole.
Entitled? I am. It's how I was raised.
I've worked hard to change; you'd be amazed.
'Toughen up' I've heard. 'Those starving are worse off'
'Hard' line approach won't work, that I'm sure of.
It seems as though poems are healing like faith,
Writing here makes me realize a choice I must make,
I can't go on living, to live life there's no room...
Until I remove one foot from the tomb.
So please pray for us who are desperate behind smiles,
May tomorrow's dawn breathe healing light for miles,
Bring me the people, the places and more,
To make life worth living and breathe life to my core.