‘They’ say that you can’t truly love somebody until you truly love yourself. I’m not sure that is exactly true. I have been in love and still hated myself inside. Sometimes I think it is far easier to love someone else and deflect attention away from yourself.
This week, I’ve been thinking about to my history with men. It’s a colourful story. Most have or have had issues with alcohol. And of course, that was part of the problem. Did I naturally attract someone with the same problem as me or did we fuel each other? Did I deliberately look for someone that enjoyed drinking as much as me? And visa versa? Or did I just get myself into such scenarios because I was generally pissed?
My first serious boyfriend was an alcoholic. I was 18, he was 30. I didn’t even know what an alcoholic was but soon found out. He was drunk most of the time, smoked like a chimney and was bleak. Being so young, I didn’t really understand what a problem he had but definitely remember thinking it was my fault when he’d had one too many. I began to count the number of drinks he consumed, to gauge what kind of night I could expect and took that counting habit forward into my next relationship, paranoid it would be the same. Years later, after no contact, I received a call from him to say he was clean and that AA had suggested he apologise to people he’d upset in the past. Nice sentiment AA but sadly, the damage had already been done.
My last relationship was pretty dire. It mostly centred around alcohol and arguing. Totally damaging and unfulfilling. At this point, I can safely say that there was little love for myself. I was more than happy to hide my unhappiness in a massive G&T and crack on. Inside, my self esteem was dying and I was feeding it with anything in sight, gaining weight and sadness. I have questioned whether he did the damage to me or whether I damaged myself. The answer is probably a bit of both. Things came to a head in November when drunk, I completely lost my mind, and decided that I couldn’t feel this way about him or me anymore and put a stop to it. And alcohol.
My aim going forward is to meet someone lovely. Who already loves themselves. And likes Elderflower and early nights. I can no longer tolerate the drama that alcohol attracts and need someone that feeds my self esteem nice things, like lettuce. I’m starting to love myself again slowly. The weight is coming off and I feel happier. Just got gotta get my head around sober, beer-goggle free dating and I’m anybodies 🙋🏻🐟 #day84